Bucket List
There’s a lot I want to do before I die. These are just a few of those things. (Editor’s Note: Tim’s hair is not that thick, luscious, or stroke-able. You could not get your hand caught in Tim’s hair.)
47. Try a pickle
Pickles make a bad first impression. Everyone’s first experience with a pickle is biting them, unwanted, on a McDonald’s cheeseburger. The briny taste permeates the entire bun, and that’s not how you convert a pickle enthusiast.
22. Emergency Land a Plane
50% of men think they can emergency land an airplane. I’m in the 50% percent that knows he can.
106. Get Chloroformed
You’re minding your own business, and then someone holds you in their arms as you fall into a deep coma. The drama. The passion. The nap.
9. Fall in Quicksand
I need to feel for myself whether I would sink or if I can just float on my back. Actually, I’m kind of scared there may be snakes at the bottom.
53. Finish the Wire
I watched season one and didn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying. But, I do like crimes, drugs, and nudity.
14. Grow a beard I can put a bead in
I had a tongue ring in college because my girlfriend at the time wanted me to get it. Well, it’s really time I did something for myself.
15. Get through a full Radiohead album
I’m tryin’ people…and I’ll keep tryin’…but jeez.
97. Throw a Grenade
Fire in the hole! (That’s what she said.)
104. Run a Marathon. Tell no one.
I know, it’s never been done before. How will you know I did it? You won’t. How do you know I haven’t already done it? It’s a real Schrödinger's cat.
122. Own a Brick of Cocaine
While I personally enjoy a functioning, moist, non-bleeding nostril, when I see a brick of coke in a movie, I really want to plunge a knife into it and just start rubbing gobs of it on my gums.
50. Learn to do a split
Sure, sex feels good, but have you ever busted into a split at your dentist office while being prepped for a deep cleaning? Damn that has to feel good.
13. Get Invisilign
I have what people call “garbage teeth”. They’re made of glass and they’re spongy like NERF. I would like for my legacy to not be a living Jack O’ Lantern.
82. Get some Heelies
Skydiving. Bungee jumping. No. Imagine the freedom of wheeling away from a boring co-worker or a car accident with the grace of an eagle.
101. Do Karaoke
It’s just one of those things that never happened for me. When all my friends did karaoke at 15 and 16, I was just never invited. Then college was all hanging out in the dorms. Next thing I knew, I was working full time and nobody was doing karaoke.
19. Gargoyles
When I was a kid, Ghostbusters was my favorite movie. Whenever I saw Dana’s apartment, aligned with gargoyles and goth, Renascence statues, I would say to myself, one day Tim…one day you’ll have gargoyles.
67. Watch Every movie on the AFI 100
A lot of these movies are great, but a lot, are trash. Have you seen Nashville? Absolutely incoherent.
72. Wear Ed Hardy to a fancy event
If I’m going to be invited to a place I don’t want to be at and forced to wear something I don’t want to wear, I want to make it everybody’s problem.
54. Find my real Dad
Or find a Dad. Someone to teach me how to shave. Play catch. Get in a mayonnaise fight. Go to my first strip club.
45. Outlive my Children
Not just them, but everyone. Wife, friends, family. They say it gets lonely but I bet I can finally finish the John Wick series if I weren’t so damn popular.
4. Try Molly
I know that nobody likes a 40+ year old on Molly, but what if I promise not to touch, rub, lick, moan, roll, grunt, grab, and tell you I love you?
12. Stab Someone with an Epipen
Pulp fiction style. I dramatically rip the shirt off (and mine), undo the needle, and SLAM—they inhale a deep breath of air as the 2 foot long needle shanks their heart.
107. Drive off a dock into a lake
I’m going to buy an old beater for like $300 dollars and then in one last blaze of glory, I’ll hit 88 mph and rocket into the water.
1. Become Romantically Linked with a Celeb
My wife is kind of okay with this, because she doesn’t think it will ever happen. Plus Jessica Rabbit and the Dame Judy Dench are on the list, and I don’t think I’m their type.
77. Milk a Cow
I can hear RFK Jr. now with his Darth Vadar voicebox. “Isn’t that raw milk delicious! Have a brain worm with that.”
50. Wear a Skirt
Skirts really look like a breezy, free-flowing way to wear pants. They come in fun colors and they look good whether they’re short or long. Don’t worry, I’ll go short for your viewing pleasure.
003. Poke lava with a stick
Not just poke it with a stick. That’s an appetizer. I want to throw all kinds of things into it. A big rock. CDs. Fireworks. A yappy dog. (Those aren’t real dogs.) I bet it’s so satisfying.
99. Get in the best shape of my life
One last time before I backslide into the WORST shape of my life.
60. Drink from a coconut
This really is a cache 22. On the one hand, I want to drink from a hairy bowling ball. But in the other, I hate the taste of coconut.
78. Ahawaska Trip
At my age I don’t have a lot of drugs left in me. But if I had a sherpa guiding me to the edge of madness and beyond the Furby forest, I think I wouldn’t mind using a few vacation days to dip my feet into Wonderland.
080. Ride an Ostrich
Tell me saddling up a flightless bird isn’t the closest you’ll get to flying in real life? I mean, minus airplanes. I know airplanes exist.
27. Kick Down a Door
Bam! Sorry, wrong room. Do you know where Andy Dick is?
5S. Bring Back Top Hats
Forget watches, cars, beautiful women, beautiful men. If you confidently walk into court sporting a $1000 top hat, you’re getting out of that traffic ticket. Just don’t go to any plays wearing it
14. Find My Soul Mate
I’m fairly certain she’s the manager at Chick-Fil-A in Boulder, CO. My wife won’t mind once I start getting us free refills and waffle fries.
62. Enter Car Chase in Self-Driving Cars
I want to chase my nemesis down the freeway at a reasonable 45 mph while coming to complete stops and acknowledging all yields.
90. Spend Night in the Old Murder House
Every town has one. Boarded up windows. Brown grass. Neighbors who stare at you while watering the lawn. I’ll assemble my own Scooby gang and tackle the unknown.
163. Start all Dad eSports Team
eSports athletes are in their prime between the ages of 27 -29. At the time of this writing, my friends and I are in our 40’s. But we’re good. We could be the best. And one day, we’ll prove it. After our colonoscopies.
83. Score the Winning Goal
I don’t care what sport, but I deserve my Rudy moment. I was too poor growing up to play sports and need to make up for being a latchkey kid.
Se7en. Change a Tire
In high school I used to change tires all the time because I drove my Mom’s old Pontiac Sunbird and couldn’t afford new tires.
3.4. See a Magic Eye Poster
No, I’ve never seen one. And I don’t want to talk about it.
19. Get Drawn like one of your French Girls
Sometimes, history can only be captured in charcoal. And they better get the body hair right.
175. Dine and Dash
I need a rap sheet to prove what a bad boy I am.
66. Read Dune
I’m sorry. The savior of the universe’s name is “Paul”? Bullshit.
207. Pass a Citizenship Test
I used to take pride in knowing the states and their capital, the full pledge of allegiance, and how many stars are on the American Flag. Now all I can do is recite the full soundtrack of Hamilton.
207. Have an Elden Ring Buriel
Not quite a burial though, is it? Take my body to a beautiful overlook deep in the woods, prop me up in a chair, and let me rot.
56. Win the Lay’s New Flavor Contest
I’ve entered every year. I thought my beef Stroganov and strawberry flavor (Southern Livin’) was a shoe-in. Guess people just wanted pork belly. Lame.
3. Squeeze into my Old Band Uniform
Suck in. Bend knees. Zipper up. Plume on. Let’s march.
122. Become a Sound Cloud Rapper
I don’t need a producer, an agent, good beats, actual rhymes, or talent. All I need is an email address and a free account.